The Secret Life of a Female Gamer

During a particularly excruciating period at work where I had to learn the in’s and out’s of why MICROSOFT OFFICE 2008 IS A PIECE OF SHIT FOR MAC, I met up with my friend Scott at a bar to talk about macros for Excel. Yes…macros. God that makes me hot just thinking about that Visual Basic Editor, with all those functions and…um…anyway…

As I was waiting for him to show up, I struck up a conversation with a good looking guy who had an army bag next to him, which made it very easy to strike up a conversation considering I had been to military school. After talking to him for about 10 minutes my friend showed up and the hot Army Dude and I went back to our own things. Scott and I talked about macros for a whole 5 seconds before screaming about the new crap going on in the new patch, when Hot Army Dude interrupted us. “Sorry but…you guys play World of Warcraft?”

And thus began an amazing conversation between the three of us that had nothing to do with macros for the rest of my lunch break.

WoW players are all around us; I’d like to think that they are easier to spot because of the introduction of Twitter and other social networking sites, but in public during a normal exchange of ideas and words it is very difficult to figure out whether or not someone plays the MMO without blurting out the question and risking social extermination. So here I decided to develop some tips and questions to spot the WoW player without outcasting yourself forever.

But hey–if you want to throw yourself out there and say, “Do you play World of Warcraft?”, then more power to you. If you’re a girl, wear a low cut top. This increases your chances of whoever you’re talking to that they won’t give a shit. If you’re a guy, then forget it if they make fun of you. Those girls are twats anyway if they can’t see how awesome you are, even PAST the WoW.

Here they are:

1. “Hey, did you hear about that new video game ________?” Name a well advertised game. If yes, proceed to question number 2. If they say no, then say it got good/bad reviews and how you think it’s a waste of time, who wants to waste their time playing video games? Then puff your chest up, call them “Brah” or “Dude”, high five and slap each other’s butts and say, “good game.”

2. In this next question, use harder terminology. Words like, “first person shooter”, “MMO”, “gank”, etc, usually work.

Since there are more questions involved should you continue saying yes to all of them, I’m just going to go ahead and say, “If they say no, drop the subject entirely and compliment them on an article of clothing or refer to a previous topic”.

3. Notice use of significant amounts of jargon. Find out what kind of computer/system they use; PS3, XBox, Wii, or PC. It would help if you knew they used a Mac–because then chances are they’re secretly recording songs on the internet to become a youtube sensation, and not to be a PvP Master.

4. If they are into the gaming scene, mention D&D. If not, mention “Magic: The Gathering”, and how nerdy you used to be in high school. Under no circumstances should you mention Pokemon and how you could name all of the original 150, or how you paid 65 dollars for a second edition hologram Charizard card. (FYI Worst Decision Ever).

5. Ask what games they like to play if they own a system other than Wii (we all know Wii players just like bowling and tennis). Rockband/Guitar Hero don’t count; should they play First Person Shooters on PS3/Xbox (Halo, GTA, etc), ask if they have ever played one on their computer.

6. Ask about their computer. If they can name their operating system, processing speed, and joke about the command use of “sudo”, you’re good to go in continuing to the next question.

7. Mention Final Fantasy or Everquest and name a couple of random facts about them. Don’t look at me for these; be original. Also, I never played them…so you’re on your own.

8. During this process it is imperative that you are continually monitoring their body language, inflection and tone of voice, and the kind of vocabulary they use. Keeping on your toes about all three will make the transition into WoW conversation much smoother, even if they’ve never played it. The more nonchalant you act about the whole thing, should they have never played before, the more open they are to playing it in the future. Compare it’s similarities to other games they’ve played, and say you’ll be right by their side if they do end up playing it. And if they have already, then more power to you and your new friend.

Whatever you do, do NOT get excited about anything. People, like sharks and their sense of smelling blood a mile away, can tell when you’re obsessive about something. If they have a level 80 main already decked out in tier 7.5 raid gear, then it’s safe to proceed.

But no? Then it would be a good idea to know who scored a terrific goal in whatever sport you don’t give the shit least about from that weekend, you fucking nerd.

chaime Uncategorized