The Secret Life of a Female Gamer

The other day I was checking through my twitter (because that’s what addicts do), and @wow_extreme posted a story about a man who convinced a 13 year old girl to come to California to have sex with him. Here is the story

First of all, did you SEE that picture of him? That’s disgusting. I bet this guy rubs his belly fat and thinks he’s found his dingaling. You can’t even reach past your fupa to touch yourself! You are no Arnie, with biceps so big and an unlimited bank account to have an assistant wipe his ass. Instead, you troll WoW hoping to find an underage child to do it for you. Normally I don’t judge, but this just seems like it’s screaming for it. For the love of all that is holy, I cannot get around how fat this man is.

Girls. Ladies. Women. Whatever. I understand how you feel about older men; I have dated my fair share because “guys my age just aren’t mature enough”. (Being in your 20’s makes that statement justified, IMHO) But this is just gross. If someone gave me the option of having sex with that man versus suicide, I’d commit the darkest and most evil of sins just to save myself from that. (Let’s not get into the philosophical argument about whether or not suicide is a sin, okay? We have more pressing matters to attend to, like extremely fat men trolling for children).

Do we need to start having meetings? Girls of the underage variety, do your elders need to have a chat with you about self esteem issues? Because when you grow up, you’ll find that men will say pretty much anything to get into your pants. ANYTHING. One guy even told me that I was the biggest bitch he ever dated (that one worked. He was also my boyfriend, does that count? I fail? Yep.) They will stop at nothing. Do you look fat in that dress? You might (we’ve all had those moments where the cut just isn’t right), but they aren’t going to tell you that. Why? The fight that ensues is not even a mark on their map as much as they’re thinking about the makeup sex. Why do you think we win arguments so often? They’re thinking about sex and not focusing on the topic at hand.

The fact this man did it over World of Warcraft is just plain awesome. And by awesome I mean that fucking fat fuck bullshit asshole. WoW is a place to get together and rape the proverbial face; not the underage real one. Don’t go there to have cyber-sex, that’s just nasty. There are plenty of sites out there for that, especially advertised on all the porn websites we’ve been telling people we go to instead of admitting to playing WoW in public.

(Sidenote: I’m sorry if I offended anyone, but this made me mad and instead of ripping apart my shirt in anger I just decided to write a really crappy blog post. kthx!)

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During a particularly excruciating period at work where I had to learn the in’s and out’s of why MICROSOFT OFFICE 2008 IS A PIECE OF SHIT FOR MAC, I met up with my friend Scott at a bar to talk about macros for Excel. Yes…macros. God that makes me hot just thinking about that Visual Basic Editor, with all those functions and…um…anyway…

As I was waiting for him to show up, I struck up a conversation with a good looking guy who had an army bag next to him, which made it very easy to strike up a conversation considering I had been to military school. After talking to him for about 10 minutes my friend showed up and the hot Army Dude and I went back to our own things. Scott and I talked about macros for a whole 5 seconds before screaming about the new crap going on in the new patch, when Hot Army Dude interrupted us. “Sorry but…you guys play World of Warcraft?”

And thus began an amazing conversation between the three of us that had nothing to do with macros for the rest of my lunch break.

WoW players are all around us; I’d like to think that they are easier to spot because of the introduction of Twitter and other social networking sites, but in public during a normal exchange of ideas and words it is very difficult to figure out whether or not someone plays the MMO without blurting out the question and risking social extermination. So here I decided to develop some tips and questions to spot the WoW player without outcasting yourself forever.

But hey–if you want to throw yourself out there and say, “Do you play World of Warcraft?”, then more power to you. If you’re a girl, wear a low cut top. This increases your chances of whoever you’re talking to that they won’t give a shit. If you’re a guy, then forget it if they make fun of you. Those girls are twats anyway if they can’t see how awesome you are, even PAST the WoW.

Here they are:

1. “Hey, did you hear about that new video game ________?” Name a well advertised game. If yes, proceed to question number 2. If they say no, then say it got good/bad reviews and how you think it’s a waste of time, who wants to waste their time playing video games? Then puff your chest up, call them “Brah” or “Dude”, high five and slap each other’s butts and say, “good game.”

2. In this next question, use harder terminology. Words like, “first person shooter”, “MMO”, “gank”, etc, usually work.

Since there are more questions involved should you continue saying yes to all of them, I’m just going to go ahead and say, “If they say no, drop the subject entirely and compliment them on an article of clothing or refer to a previous topic”.

3. Notice use of significant amounts of jargon. Find out what kind of computer/system they use; PS3, XBox, Wii, or PC. It would help if you knew they used a Mac–because then chances are they’re secretly recording songs on the internet to become a youtube sensation, and not to be a PvP Master.

4. If they are into the gaming scene, mention D&D. If not, mention “Magic: The Gathering”, and how nerdy you used to be in high school. Under no circumstances should you mention Pokemon and how you could name all of the original 150, or how you paid 65 dollars for a second edition hologram Charizard card. (FYI Worst Decision Ever).

5. Ask what games they like to play if they own a system other than Wii (we all know Wii players just like bowling and tennis). Rockband/Guitar Hero don’t count; should they play First Person Shooters on PS3/Xbox (Halo, GTA, etc), ask if they have ever played one on their computer.

6. Ask about their computer. If they can name their operating system, processing speed, and joke about the command use of “sudo”, you’re good to go in continuing to the next question.

7. Mention Final Fantasy or Everquest and name a couple of random facts about them. Don’t look at me for these; be original. Also, I never played them…so you’re on your own.

8. During this process it is imperative that you are continually monitoring their body language, inflection and tone of voice, and the kind of vocabulary they use. Keeping on your toes about all three will make the transition into WoW conversation much smoother, even if they’ve never played it. The more nonchalant you act about the whole thing, should they have never played before, the more open they are to playing it in the future. Compare it’s similarities to other games they’ve played, and say you’ll be right by their side if they do end up playing it. And if they have already, then more power to you and your new friend.

Whatever you do, do NOT get excited about anything. People, like sharks and their sense of smelling blood a mile away, can tell when you’re obsessive about something. If they have a level 80 main already decked out in tier 7.5 raid gear, then it’s safe to proceed.

But no? Then it would be a good idea to know who scored a terrific goal in whatever sport you don’t give the shit least about from that weekend, you fucking nerd.

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First of all I’d like to apologize for my lack of updating. My job at the current moment is undergoing a huge project, and as the office bitch I’m subjected to doing all the work – which is fine because it means time flies but when I get home I either a) sleep or b) go out and devour pancakes with my roommate. I’m rethinking the second option only because last night I felt like someone punched me in the stomach repeatedly and then told me to go to work the next morning.

I used to keep up a blog called datingisthenewawkward.blogspot.com. It was a particularly crappy blog, like all the others I start, about how I go on bad dates. Blame it on the guys even though really I’m the reason things got weird, etc etc I want a voice on the internet too dammit so there! Turns out I’m very good at blaming others for my mistakes – at least that’s what my dad tells me and we haven’t divulged into that deep dark part of my psyche in therapy yet so let’s just keep thinking it’s my fault.

ANYWAY.

Social awkwardness is a very good friend of mine. We’re like bffs; we take showers together and practice making out with our pillows during sleepovers. I’ve known her all my life and she’s been right there with every possible situation imaginable. Except recently…she’s been a bit distant. Both of us have jobs now, she’s got a baby and I can’t stand her boyfriend. Then not two months ago, the one opportunity that we’ve always waited for presented itself – we found someone who has his own Social Awkwardness bestie too!

Ever since I started playing WoW there has exploded a plethora of new awkward situations to put me in because let’s face it, pwning face is fucking FANTASTIC. When I received a midnight phone call from my old roommate, I thought she was meth’d up again and rushed to my phone hoping she wasn’t going to scream asking for directions from an unknown park in San Francisco again (I don’t miss that). Now, I’m not one for brevity but for the sake of your attention span I ended up feeling forced into a date with a guy I didn’t want to go on a date with.

What ensued the following night was the most fucking awkward situation ever. I had just been laid off, my ex and I had been broken up for 18 hours and all I wanted to do was play WoW. Naturally, I tried talking about it but instead he interrupted so he could tell me all about his problems with women. I’m…not kidding. This kid had PROBLEMS. 23 and never had a girlfriend, former fat kid weight issues, and tried way too hard to get into my pants. When I dropped the, “Can we just be friends first?” line, he shoveled the food into his mouth as Social Awkwardness and I watched in complete disbelief.

Long story short, when I gave him a list of therapists he should see (which he asked for, thank you very much, he sent me this:

“No offence I’m not interested in taking advice from someone who plays world of Warcraft allday I feel sorry for you I don’t want you to contact me again you are very strange and you kind of creep me out!

Take care!”

Not only could this kid not spell or use punctuation, but he shot ME down for playing WoW. Mind you, after my extensive therapy sessions I know he was just trying to find a way to make none of this his fault, which is okay – but man, he cut deep.

Then last week I went on a couple dates with someone I happened to actually like, and when I was initially talking to him I asked my best friend not to mention I played WoW.

“Oops.”

Great.

What is the stigma of not wanting people to find out? And furthermore, when they do and they judge you, why do they judge you? Jim Gaffigan, one of my favorite comedians, said during one act, “No one goes around bragging they ate a whole cake. You say, ‘I just ate a whole pizza!’, and people think you’re really hungry. You say, ‘I just ate a whole cake!’, and people go, ‘I think you got a problem, buddy.” What’s the difference between being fashionable and having a shopping addiction? Or the difference between playing video games and then having dreams that one day you and Link will run away together outside of Hyrule castle to a land untouched by Ganondorff’s evil? (Don’t ask.)

It all comes down to perception. No one really knows that the reason why I initially played was because as a crazy person, I tend to fantasize my reality and live inside my head. WoW has curbed that, so now I live with all the normal, boring humans and be something completely different a few hours a week on the computer. There are some people who enjoy one thing passionately, and in truth, isn’t that something we all wish for? To like something so much we strive everyday to be better individuals at it? To those who can’t understand that, I seriously think they’re the ones who cheat on their significant others or go out every night trying to lay someone because they’re lacking something in their lives they truly love.

So fuck ‘em.

Not literally of course. Come on, who wants to fuck a crazy WoW player? They’ll probably scream out, ‘FOR THE HORDE’ in bed or something. Very awkward.

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