I know…update…I know. But I work. And occasionally go out into that big bright thingie in the whatchumacallit vast blue spacial something for some quality time with friends and alcohol. Rest assured, I’ll try to have another post up within the next 2 days.
Why yes, I am an iPhone user. How could you tell?
About once a month I stop being the nice, generous, caring and loving individual you all know and have a complete and utter disdain for everything. For the last several years I’ve been able to curb the worst parts of it, calm myself down and focus on something cute like bunnies. But World of Warcraft has changed that. Oh yes…it has changed it to where I get so angry I want to punch a kitten and log out for a half an hour to calm the fuck down.
When I run an instance just for the reputation and experience points, it means I’m doing you a favor. You have just immediately asked me to join your group, I accepted graciously without knowing who the fuck you are and how many achievements you have, and dropped whatever I was doing to help you.
During this particular instance I’ve run a million times already (Ramparts in Outlands), we had two Death Knights, one Mage, one Paladin, and myself (Warlock). This group is obviously more than capable of running this without dying because if you notice on the stats for PvP 3×3 teams, the top team is a: DK, Paladin, Warlock. Should be easy, right? Right?!
After we run into the first group of mobs, there was absolutely no structure. NONE. The Paladin asked, “Uh, am I the healer?”, after we wiped, twice. ARE YOU A PALADIN? DO YOU HAVE BUFFS? Yes, you are the healer. STAND BACK. Then the DK’s didn’t know if they were tanking. DO YOU HAVE DEATH GRIP? ARE YOU A DEATH KNIGHT? DO YOU SEE ANY ONE OF US WHO IS LEFT WHO COULD DO IT? No, are you sure you want to tank? Do you think you can handle it? So what the hell then?! Finally, I got group leader, told everyone to back the fuck off and I ended up having to mark each mob to make sure we didn’t wipe for the 3rd damn time.
They listened for the most part until the healer stopped doing their job and I died again because let’s face it, they didn’t really know how to tank and my Curse of Agony + Corruption + Shadow Bolt combo is the tits.
Oh no, this is not over. On top of that, I passed for every single piece of loot in there. Everything. Everything except the last piece, a staff that had great stats and it’s name escapes me. I asked, “Hey, I’ve passed on everything so far, I’m needing this”.
So some other fucking ninja needs it. “Uhh..hope you win” was his only response. ORLY?! You hope I win!? Well that’s just fucking peachy, thanks for the lucky charm there asshole. I was nice enough to do you all a favor, you all suck, you don’t know you’re class, none of you listen and that’s why you all died, you’re all in Outlands so you’re all supposed to know this by now, I always rolled /pass, and this is how you repay someone who has been nice like that?
Fuck you. Fuck all of you. Fuck you, ninjas. Fuck you PuGs. Fuck off and don’t ever ask me to be in your damn group again. You all suck.
Fucking ninja bastards. I know it’s just a game but…where the fuck is my midol!?
That’s right. I said it. Penis Envy.
Maybe you’ve seen it. Maybe you’ve overhead a conversation and thought to yourself, I’m sure this girl wants a penis. I can feel it. If you haven’t and you ARE a girl, then chances are you were the one they were talking about. But you all have definitely seen them. Walking around like another one of the boys, talking about boobs and how wonderful they are, video games, blood, gore, violence, etc. This girl doesn’t like to get her nails done, would rather pwn face than go to a bridal shower, is usually between the ages of 15 and 22, and might be a tad bi-curious.
Of course, that sort of information is only based from personal experience of a) going to military school, b) watching the nerds, and c) kind of being one of them. I say “kind of” because…:|
In terms of character rolling, my best guess is this girl decides on a 50/50 chance that it will be a male character. If she engages with trade chat, there will explode a slew of obscenities with all sorts of dirty words involving; questioning the sexuality of everyone else, TTSS (that’s what she said) firsties, how your mom has a nice rack, and the use of technical jargon beyond even a seasoned player (It’s called “over-compensating”, ladies. You’ll learn it when you’re older and involved with more men).
This girl is also an honorary member of the I-Hate-Vaginas-Other-Than-My-Mother’s boy brigade. They trash girls who want to take a day off for a good book and maybe cuddling with their cat (don’t judge), or for not being able to run Naxx because they have a hair appointment. If a girl in the guild is going to complain and be really annoying, I’d tell her to take a midol and solo for a while until she can stop acting like a little girl. However, I would also use that exact same wording for a guy–I’d keep the pronouns the exact same. But to say that because she’s a girl, it just sounds worse than it really is? What about those assholes who bitch and moan about every decision the GM makes? Since their voice is lower it makes it okay? No. It doesn’t. Stop being such a cunt.
Oh, that’s right! I said it. Stop being a cunt. You’re acting like one. If I decide that my nails are a little more important than an ONLINE VIDEO GAME, then that is my prerogative. If, in trade chat I happen to mention that I’m a girl for some odd reason (sometimes I drink when I play), then don’t act like you’re some higher power because you can “resist” having any form of femininity left. Lacking effeminacy because you just don’t have any is one thing, but doing it on purpose to be accepted into a club run by mostly virgins with bad hygiene (sorry boys – there are 11 million people playing and I’m going to assume the most hardcore have a high volume of these sorts of players), is just fucking ludicrous.
Next week I’ll get into the other types of female gamers; hardly normal, but we won’t hold that against you 
And if one of these girls you know comes up to you loudly complaining about “some bitch who wrote an article on girls with penis envy” and trying to come up with rationalizations for their behavior, I think it’s safe to assume you know exactly what to get them for Christmas this year:
A strap-on.
Put down the mouse. Back away from the keyboard…that’s it…good job. The first step is always the hardest.
Just one more quest… you say as the bar towards the next level gets smaller and smaller. That last quest was for 11k experience! I mean, I finish up all these, turn them in and just go to bed! The moment you actually DO finish, you realize that 75% of them are chain quests and you just want to get them out of the way. I understand because Un’Goro Crater doesn’t have an inn. This is a big pain in the ass.
Well let me tell you something about addiction: I smoke. Gross, I know, but my dad smokes and alcoholism runs in my family. Not only that but so does; paranoia, hypochondria, obsessive compulsive disorder, manic depression, and the tendency to tell your children you tried aborting them with a wire coat hanger and failed, which is why they were alive (thanks Grandma). The problem is that people have no idea how to control this and therefore end up getting stuck into something with no way out. The first day I played WoW? Started at 1am, played until 4am. Slept until 10, woke up and played until 1am again, getting out of bed (hooray for laptops) a total of 6 times. I went the entire day without seeing the sun.
“So what did you do this weekend?”
“I didn’t see the sun. *wink wink, nudge nudge*”
“OoOoO…you go girl!”
“Yeah! Leveled to 30!”
“What?”
“It’s a…new sex toy?”
In the beginning you are so excited about playing something new that you forget about everything else. Usually when playing a game with a more finite ending (like Zelda: Ocarina of Time), you burn out for a little bit and go back to whatever normal hobby you used to have for a few months. It’s not like that in WoW – Blizzard is continually coming out with new patches; nerfing, buffing, and even overpowering certain classes (ret pallys cough cough). New seasons for arena which means new tiered gear to earn, daily quests for achievements, instances, raids, and more – all even after you “beat” the game. Sure you can get to the end – but there’s other stuff to do so why stop there? You could be the most badass PvP character in the US! Or you could get that achievement for going to every single place imaginable in Azeroth! (Which explains why I saw so many level 80’s running around Eversong Woods while I was level 10?)
Let’s say for a second that you are one of those people who miraculously quit playing after they finish – if that is the case, you still want to get to level 80 first. Power-leveling is not for the n00b; it is for experienced individuals who just want to level quickly so they can have more characters for different raids on different servers, therefore would be pointless for you to play for 16 straight hours. You miss out on the entire storyline and in the end hardly pay attention to the reason why you’re being asked to pick up 100 termites from the Western Plaguelands. It’s a fucking mystery and you ran right passed it. Now when other people complain about doing the quest, you won’t have anything to add to the conversation besides, “Yeah, that sucked.” And we all know how much you fuckers like to talk a big game in trade chat. If you don’t, well you’re missing out on some serious intern3tz fighting.
If you are anything like me, chances are it’s going to take you a while to level. Hey, we’re all learning here and there isn’t anything wrong with not being the best from the get-go. So completing “that last quest”, is sort of like trying out cocaine for the first time. It’s something you really want to do just this once, but you know deep down you’re just going to end up paranoid, schizophrenic, and killing yourself in a few hours.
APPARENTLY…people are stumbling upon my blog outside of the group of friends I’ve been promotion-whoring the site out to (FYI, sorry for that you guys – I know how annoying it is to get “amg luk at mah new blog lulz!” all the time. Everyone wants to be a big internet douche – I mean – sensation). And with that came the question…”How do we know you aren’t some 45 year old guy pretending to be a girl writing about being a girl gamer?”
:\
Trust me, I have tits? No. We all know that doesn’t work. Because fat 45 year old men have them too.
Um…I’ll put up a picture?
But then I decided that putting up a modeling picture was probably not going to convince you any further,
So here is a particularly candid one of me at a fashion show I did. It was out of the…many…that I didn’t cringe at when I saw it. Kidding, I cringe at all of them.
Does anyone need anymore proof that I’m a girl? I cried during All Dogs go to Heaven, talk about my problems like everything is a crisis, and when I see a toddler, my womb hurts.
DAMN YOU VAGINA.
First of all, I want to start something: it’s called, “Ask a Female Gamer”. Each week I’m sure, as time passes and I (crosses fingers) hope to get a bigger followership, I’ll probably get a ton of questions like, “Why are you so ghey?” (from the assholes), “Why are you so awesome?” (from guys who haven’t been laid in forever – it’s called standards, people, have them), or “What’s it like having been in the closet for so long as a nerd, and do you have fancy lingerie in your closet too?” (from guys that start out awesome and then turn into pervs). So how about this – I will dedicate one post a week answering everyone’s questions from the previous 7 days from the comments page. Ask anything – especially if it’s embarrassing. I hand out that information like candy from an inconspicuously unmarked windowless van next to a middle school.
Speaking of small children, onto the real post:
How to not feel like a pedophile when grouping with a 13 year old
The other day I was questing outside of Tanaris, obviously at a higher level than I ought to be in that area, and I came upon a particularly frustrating set of quests that not only required you to gather a lot of items, but the drop rate was fucking horrible. As I was making my rounds trying to finish them before dying of natural causes, some random Rogue decided to invite me into a group.
>>hey, can you help me?
I’m the worst with random group etiquette. When I quest with my best friend, we’re sitting next to each other and neither person really cares about who gets what. But this is…strange. Someone wants to loot things you have earned, since clearly I was the one doing most of the grinding. Well that night I was feeling gracious and accepted, then went back to my business racking up experience points for him and delaying my chance to finish early. Eventually he struck up a conversation.
>>are you a girl?
Why does this matter?
>> [to ___ ] How old are you?
>> 13
O.M.G.W.T.F.B.B.Q
The first thing that ran through my head was, “That’s it. I’m going to jail.” Then I remembered that we were just questing, and nothing illegal was going on. I started to feel this odd sense of guilt…what am I doing playing a game with a bunch of 13 year olds? The language I’ve personally used on trade chat is enough to validate his mother slapping me across the face.
Then he asked how old I was.
>> [to ____ ] Old enough to drink, and probably be your mother.
>> Where are you from?
>> [to ___ ] ….Texas
I was not about to give this kid any information. IT’S A TRAP.
Do you think it’s odd how playing with kids makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong? Unless it’s Candyland or Monopoly, letting your kids play an online MMO is like handing them a loaded pellet gun and telling them not to shoot it. Bad idea.
So here are some pointers on how to not feel bad when someone significantly younger than you wants to quest and be friends (like my little buddy wanted to be. 
)
1. Remember it’s just a game. Think of them as your younger siblings that you want to help out when they aren’t being little assholes and taking your swimsuits (don’t ask).
2. They probably had a horrible mouth on them before you met. Just don’t encourage it or else they’ll start hitting on you.
3. Remind them constantly that you could be their mother. If this in any way causes them to verbally advance you in a sexual nature, scold them and report it. Because nothing says “I started it” to the cops like trying to harrass them back.
4. Lie about every part of your being. Do you live in Florida? Say you’re from New Mexico. What do you do for a living? You uphold the law righteously andread books by obscure philosophers when you aren’t volunteering at the hospital for the handicapped. And if you happen to do this IRL, then fuck you, penguin.
5. Talk about something really boring, like the recession.
6. Use 5 dollar words like “recidivism” (shout out to Matt for that phrase), and then launch into some speech about something only grownups with boring corporate desk jobs know. It’ll make him feel like he’s back in school and eventually will shut the fuck up.
7. Tell him about the “good ol’ days” and how good kids have it today. Because if he wasn’t already turned off by you talking like his mother, then he’ll DEFINITELY be turned off by being reminded of his grandma.
8. He’s probably 45 years old, naked in his living room thinking about his grandma now, pretending to be a 13 year old boy on World of Warcraft.
That’s it. I’m soloing FOREVER. 
Oh, the first blog post–honestly, I’ve never been good at starting anything. Introduction? Forget it, you can just give me an “F” on that assignment, 11th grade English Teacher (I’m not 16 anymore, FYI).
When I would bring up the idea for this blog, I a) didn’t think it would actually go anywhere, as in…with a url, and b) people would ask me what it was about. Que? It’s about WoW, what else do you need to know? Well that was enough to get the ball rolling on the jokes made at my expense, until of course I’d make some off hand remark about playing in my underwear. Then the conversation turns to what kind of underwear I wear, and I’m off the hook for a while.
Well my dears, this blog is more specifically aimed at the women gamer aspect of it all, but it’s ultimately for everyone’s enjoyment. You don’t need to even play WoW to appreciate the fact that some girls just like to rape face on a PvP server somewhere. In fact, if some guy wanted to get to know a girl gamer better, then chances are looking at this site will help him grasp the true meaning of what she believes love is–creating and filling the lives of lower-level ally/horde players with absolute holy terror.
Besides, any man who doesn’t think that a girl who can grind out mobs by herself is sexy shouldn’t be allowed to breed. That being said, yes, I’ve had quite a few number of guys who have openly shown disgust in my playing this game. Apparently it’s downright sex if you can name some Star Wars trivia, but the moment you say anything about an MMO, you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling and you’re back to the coin operated version of where a boyfriend should be.
But let’s get one thing straight–questing solo is NOT like being a crazy cat lady, in terms of the girl just thinking, “you know what? I just want to focus on my herbalism and eat some cat food“. It’s more empowering than anything because it’s a sense of accomplishment. What do you accomplish when a level 80 Death Knight runs you and three others through Blackrock Spire five times? I’ll tell you what I learned – the in’s and out’s of getting back and forth from the graveyard, because all I ever did was aggro a bunch of shit. It takes the fun out of playing because you don’t learn anything.
The entire reason why I started playing World of Warcrack is because my ex did. One day I said, “Don’t tell anyone this, but I’ve never played WoW before”. This caused him to crack a smile and respond, “Oh, you are both adorable and confused.” Because all my friend’s were gamers, I assumed that WoW was in the same realm as Xbox and Playstation–clearly, I was mistaken. So in an effort to be an awesome boyfriend, the ex convinced a friend to give me his account with Burning Crusades already on it (a savings of about $50), and I rolled a Draenai Shaman on his server, Echo Isles.
Being in a relationship and playing WoW together is fine, unless the guy/girl has been playing it for over a year and has many alts, as well as a level 80 main. They become pompous and run you through quests without you even being able to read them because they’re going too quickly. This sparked, and I’m not joking, fights between us. Over a GAME (but let me tell you he could be a real jackass when it came to escort quests. Just ghost wolf and run, he said. You’ll be fine, he said. Moral of the story: if you’re doing a long escort quest, don’t get out of a 30 yard range or you fail it, and chances are you’ll hear, I’m not doing it again).
Onto the point–look, the moment he and I broke up I started doing things on my own. And with the exception of instances and that really fucking crappy ass motherfucking assblow cockshit quest called Scarlet Diversions in Western Plaguelands, I’ve been pretty much on my own. You have to read your own log, pay attention to your surroundings, pull and wipe out the mobs preventing you from finishing your quest. Because questing with a douchebag is like being on a bad date; it starts off well, until you realize this guy thinks way too highly of his sub-par skills, and create a character on the opposite faction just so you can gank and camp him for several hours as a big “fuck you” for not believing you had any skill to do it yourself.
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