The Secret Life of a Female Gamer

Well, well, well…I haven’t been at ALL fair in informing you guys of my whereabouts and stuff. In the last 3 months I have:

-moved. That was traumatic, as now I’m not only very broke, I’m negative broke.
-job has gotten increasingly more difficult.
-got a boyfriend. Sorry boys, someone took one for the team and started dating this little special piece of psycho.
-started school. Now, if working full time wasn’t difficult enough, let’s add onto the fact that I now have a billion hours of homework to do every night for the next 13 weeks.

So in light of recent events, I thought that it was only fair that I tell you…I suspended my WoW account. A part of me died that day, and there has been a whole in my heart ever since. This does not take away from the fact that I’m not still a gamer-I just don’t have time right now. When my life settles back down (read: summer of next year), I’ll reactivate and continue playing. I was able to get my lock up to level 68, but right before I was to embark to Northrend, work, school and my ever increasing fear of being homeless had me too wrecked to concentrate.

You guys deserve a better blog; I’ve actually…been telling you that since you got here the first time, but you just won’t listen. Maybe you will now. My roommate has an Xbox, and I’ve considered playing in between homework, work and True Blood, so maybe it’ll open up for a little more diversity in this God forsaken crap blog I write in. We’ll see. At least with Halo I can turn it on, frag a few assholes, call their mother’s a whore and then get off within about 15 minutes. WoW takes over an hour to quest, let’s be honest with ourselves–it’s too time-consuming. And my boyfriend is currently being nostalgic and we’re playing FFVII whenever he can drag me away from my reading assignments.

I’ll post a video soon, I promise. If anyone still has any questions (I’m sure you do) about female gamers, ask! Regardless of my current state of affairs, I’m still a fucking nerd who set her desktop background to a gigantic picture of Han Solo, and publicly admitted she was going to call her son Harrison Riker. Then I made a few WoW jokes…it…was embarrassing to my company, and I just sat around going, “What?! No one got that?! Well my guild would have laughed” and then I made a face. I make a lot of invisible friends now.

Hope this finds everyone well, and plz send rune cloth kthxbai!

chaime Uncategorized

Once again, I want to thank you guys for your questions, I’ll try to do this more often than what I regularly post. You guys were really patient while it was being edited! Also I realize the irony in wearing pants with an “I hate pants” shirt. It was cold.

chaime Uncategorized

I’ve decided that since the traffic on my site has exponentially increased since the last time I posted, it is probably time to actually start doing the “Ask a Female Gamer” post each week. None of you were asking any questions, so there was really nothing to ponder. Please leave your questions here…I can’t keep checking the forums for questions you want me to answer.

Ask away, and I will pick a couple of questions (no matter how crass…yes, I realize what I just said), and answer them all by Friday, in a video post. You hear that? FRIDAY. VIDEO POST. June..somethingish. I’m lazy. Go look it up yourselves. I have alliance to gank.

chaime Uncategorized

When it comes to gaming, the one thing that we, the gaming population, endure is getting a lot of flack for our choice in special interests. So I like to sit around and talk to people I don’t know, stare at a computer screen for 10 hours without so much as a bathroom break, give me a fucking break. Give me one good reason why I should exert any energy in taking a walk outside. Does it involve getting better raid gear? No, it’s probably going to give me a sunburn so fuck it. I’ve got the whitest skin in existence, no one wants to see me in shorts anyway, there are enough blind people in this world I don’t need to help create anymore of them.

The thing about male gamers is that it is so easy to make fun of them, and it’s easy because there are definitely a lot more guys who play than women. I mean…A LOT.

But this post isn’t about making fun of gamer guys; it’s about pick-up artists. What the fuck do pick-up artists have to do with anything about gaming?

On an earlier post, “Is it safe to come out?”, I mentioned how my ex and I met up with a group of guys who kept making fun of me for a passing comment I made about WoW. Come to find out, one of the guys I talked to was actually a professional pickup artist and employed a common technique to pick up on women. This is called “Negging”. On Urban Dictionary, it is described as “a negative remark wrapped in a back-handed compliment. Your neg will confuse and intrigue them and maybe even shake their confidence a little bit, but only enough for them to fall from the clouds and be interested in talking to you. It’s a way to get through their defenses at bars.” (Obviously I didn’t write that definition, because it sucks grammatically).

After you’re negged, they see how hurt you are and offer to buy you a drink, say something like “Oh I thought you knew I was just joking around, I’m sorry”, and you’ll forgive them because who doesn’t want a free drink? If I have to put up with that asshole I’m going to ask for a shot of their most expensive tequila. Of course I left before he could be nicer to me, so later on a couple days later I found a compliment in my inbox on Yelp saying something about “Hey thanks for the ride blahblahblah I had a lot of fun hanging out” whatever all I could read was “I’m a douche”, thinking to myself why is this guy being so repetitive?.

Then it hit me; I was negged. WHAT THE FUCK. Look buddy – make fun of my albino skin, or about how my hair is a weird shade of brown, or my laugh sounds like a hyena on crack but you’re making fun of something I wouldn’t bat an eye about playing instead of talking to you. That’s like telling a 5 year old that Santa isn’t real; something an asshole would do.

And if I would rather play a make-believe game than talk to you, then you might need to reevaluate who the one with problems is.

chaime Uncategorized

Okay I lied, I’m not going to bed. I’m going to write a second post for the night because anyone who follows this has been so gracious in allowing me to go over 2 weeks without updating.

SecondLife has a reputation for dirty, pseudo-sexy, money. You can make a million dollars by selling fake real estate, and holy mother of God, it’s real money at that. My only question is what the hell that one woman claimed on her taxes.

This virtual reality world was always a mystery to me; they claim that it is a place to do exactly what you’ve wanted to do in real life, only online and without fear of real repercussion. And what human being doesn’t like being able to do things without consequences? There is something flawed here, however, because I’ve always wanted to be a firetruck and I don’t see that option anywhere in the “creating an avatar” section.

In an effort to learn more about the people involved in these games, having been a major fan of The Sims, I signed up and within minutes was recruited to become a voice escort for a classy joint called Club Venus/Club Mars, a club owned by a real life husband and wife. I walk up to some random guy asking how to work my controls and the next thing you know I’m being pimped out.

After an indepth conversation with this man, I decided that an investigation was completely necessary–and if I happened to make some money while doing it, then awesome. An application and interview later (yes, I was interviewed…), Valessa, the wife, took me over to buy me literal “moves” for my avatar. She said my walk was too ungraceful, like an elephant. This is disturbing only because my roommate also said I walk like an elephant normally. As soon as I knew it, I was shaking my hips and ready to get on the pole (online. I’ve been ready IRL for years).

Lindin currency is strange; the conversion rate is currently 300L to $1USD. If you want to make some money, hope for a high roller to walk in with a wad of lindin in his skyrocket (pocket). The other “employees” would walk around and have conversations with each other as if they were friends in real life; it’s fucking fascinating! You people are all online! This is a fucking game! HOLY SHIT you have a nice voice and OMG IS THAT WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE?! Someone get me a drill bit, and preferably also heroin. I’m going to try and forget this moment as best I can. Is this what the normal population think WoW is like on a regular basis?

After a week, I finally had a customer of my own. There were rules established for how much you could take off your avatar based on the amount of tips they gave you, as well as whether or not you could talk into the microphone or chat via private chat box. This guy, like some men I’ve dated IRL, was a cheap ass and didn’t tip me very well, but enough so that it was required that I remove all the clothes from Herroamelie (that was her name. So sexy, right?). Fortunately for me, one of the employees gave me a vagina modification earlier that day so I could upload one more real looking. And let me tell you how fortunate I felt:

D:

WTF.

Now, at the risk of destroying how ridiculous this is, I’d like to clear up the fact that I never actually escorted anyone. Most of the time I would put my avatar on “loop” on the pole, where she would be doing various dances while I could go downstairs and watch Scrubs. The one particular instance where I just /removed each article of clothing was about as far into the scandalous nature of SL that I got–and I wasn’t even talking.

Finally, I decided this social experiment was too time-consuming, so I stopped playing and uninstalled it from my computer. Yes–too TIME-CONSUMING, and not because this place is full of fucking weirdos. Let’s face it, you can go to bed feeling somewhat accomplished when you’ve been saying “WTF” in your head for 2 straight hours.

And guys look at me like I’M the crazy one when I make murloc sounds while fooling around. Priorities, people.

chaime Uncategorized

“Don’t tell anyone but…I’ve never played World of Warcraft.”

Apparently this statement is borderline between naivety and stupidity. Among my group of friends over the course of 10 years, I am the least hardcore gamer and therefore slouch over when they all stand in a group with their big gaming vocabulary and leaving me to guess what the hell they’re talking about. Of course, all my friends are super hardcore so me saying “least hardcore” really means I only play for 40 hours a week and not 80.

Go out into the real world? Not so much, it seems.

Back in January my ex-boyfriend and I went to the city (San Francisco) to indulge in some amazing food and, what we hoped was, amazing company. After enjoying dinner with friends and the need for alcohol could not be suppressed any longer, we headed outside to drive where the rest of our group would be. This…did not work out so well. Halfway out the door and we met some guys who seemed fairly entertaining and invited them out. I made a passing comment, mostly intended for the ex but could be enjoyed by all, about WoW. Then, like a level 10 walking through Eastern Plaguelands, I was verbally assaulted with jokes made at my expense. Okay, one is fine. Oh you want to join in too? That’s okay, let’s keep it to a minimum. No? You just won’t stop? Why am I giving you a ride? You can find your own way home.

My friend Quinn, who set up my site for me, was one of those people. Unlike the rest of them, however, he is an awesome individual because he apologized and listened to the reason why I play WoW – this is why he deserves major props.

The other ones…well…I stopped talking to. Literally. That seems a bit harsh but they’re assholes anyway.

My point is that it’s hard for people to come out and say they play this game. If you’re an avid Xbox player or you can’t stop talking about GTA4, you’re just a casual player and who cares. But the moment you slip into an MMO…it’s like you’re walking around with a target on your forehead through a rifle range (I’m coming up with some great analogies tonight). When is it ever going to be okay to play video games? It’s like hating a certain race because one or two people wronged you, or like saying all gay men love to wear pink and go to Folsom Street Fair and wave wands around like a pretty princess – it’s only true for a small, and much more fun to be around population. Stop generalizing.

I admit though, I generalize a lot too. Like when I see a guy with a striped pink popped collar white shirt, I’m going to automatically assume he’s a douchebag. Or if a guy starts spouting off philosophy quotes like he memorized them to get laid, I’m going to automatically assume he’s not only a douche, but pretentious too. Then I’ll steal his classical CD’s.

This is different. There are over 11 million regular subscribers, with more than 30 million having tried the game out at least for a 10 day trial. You can’t say that every single one of them is missing work for raiding, or fat, ugly, etc. Most of us have jobs, a real life, and can only level when they have time for it. If I knew a hardcore WoW player I’d probably make fun of his ass too. Just saying. (And I do…my roommate)

Now if you will excuse me, I have to get to bed because I’ve been staying up way too late this week leveling my character. It’s time for a break. Someone please hide my laptop.

chaime Uncategorized

The other day I was checking through my twitter (because that’s what addicts do), and @wow_extreme posted a story about a man who convinced a 13 year old girl to come to California to have sex with him. Here is the story

First of all, did you SEE that picture of him? That’s disgusting. I bet this guy rubs his belly fat and thinks he’s found his dingaling. You can’t even reach past your fupa to touch yourself! You are no Arnie, with biceps so big and an unlimited bank account to have an assistant wipe his ass. Instead, you troll WoW hoping to find an underage child to do it for you. Normally I don’t judge, but this just seems like it’s screaming for it. For the love of all that is holy, I cannot get around how fat this man is.

Girls. Ladies. Women. Whatever. I understand how you feel about older men; I have dated my fair share because “guys my age just aren’t mature enough”. (Being in your 20’s makes that statement justified, IMHO) But this is just gross. If someone gave me the option of having sex with that man versus suicide, I’d commit the darkest and most evil of sins just to save myself from that. (Let’s not get into the philosophical argument about whether or not suicide is a sin, okay? We have more pressing matters to attend to, like extremely fat men trolling for children).

Do we need to start having meetings? Girls of the underage variety, do your elders need to have a chat with you about self esteem issues? Because when you grow up, you’ll find that men will say pretty much anything to get into your pants. ANYTHING. One guy even told me that I was the biggest bitch he ever dated (that one worked. He was also my boyfriend, does that count? I fail? Yep.) They will stop at nothing. Do you look fat in that dress? You might (we’ve all had those moments where the cut just isn’t right), but they aren’t going to tell you that. Why? The fight that ensues is not even a mark on their map as much as they’re thinking about the makeup sex. Why do you think we win arguments so often? They’re thinking about sex and not focusing on the topic at hand.

The fact this man did it over World of Warcraft is just plain awesome. And by awesome I mean that fucking fat fuck bullshit asshole. WoW is a place to get together and rape the proverbial face; not the underage real one. Don’t go there to have cyber-sex, that’s just nasty. There are plenty of sites out there for that, especially advertised on all the porn websites we’ve been telling people we go to instead of admitting to playing WoW in public.

(Sidenote: I’m sorry if I offended anyone, but this made me mad and instead of ripping apart my shirt in anger I just decided to write a really crappy blog post. kthx!)

chaime Uncategorized

During a particularly excruciating period at work where I had to learn the in’s and out’s of why MICROSOFT OFFICE 2008 IS A PIECE OF SHIT FOR MAC, I met up with my friend Scott at a bar to talk about macros for Excel. Yes…macros. God that makes me hot just thinking about that Visual Basic Editor, with all those functions and…um…anyway…

As I was waiting for him to show up, I struck up a conversation with a good looking guy who had an army bag next to him, which made it very easy to strike up a conversation considering I had been to military school. After talking to him for about 10 minutes my friend showed up and the hot Army Dude and I went back to our own things. Scott and I talked about macros for a whole 5 seconds before screaming about the new crap going on in the new patch, when Hot Army Dude interrupted us. “Sorry but…you guys play World of Warcraft?”

And thus began an amazing conversation between the three of us that had nothing to do with macros for the rest of my lunch break.

WoW players are all around us; I’d like to think that they are easier to spot because of the introduction of Twitter and other social networking sites, but in public during a normal exchange of ideas and words it is very difficult to figure out whether or not someone plays the MMO without blurting out the question and risking social extermination. So here I decided to develop some tips and questions to spot the WoW player without outcasting yourself forever.

But hey–if you want to throw yourself out there and say, “Do you play World of Warcraft?”, then more power to you. If you’re a girl, wear a low cut top. This increases your chances of whoever you’re talking to that they won’t give a shit. If you’re a guy, then forget it if they make fun of you. Those girls are twats anyway if they can’t see how awesome you are, even PAST the WoW.

Here they are:

1. “Hey, did you hear about that new video game ________?” Name a well advertised game. If yes, proceed to question number 2. If they say no, then say it got good/bad reviews and how you think it’s a waste of time, who wants to waste their time playing video games? Then puff your chest up, call them “Brah” or “Dude”, high five and slap each other’s butts and say, “good game.”

2. In this next question, use harder terminology. Words like, “first person shooter”, “MMO”, “gank”, etc, usually work.

Since there are more questions involved should you continue saying yes to all of them, I’m just going to go ahead and say, “If they say no, drop the subject entirely and compliment them on an article of clothing or refer to a previous topic”.

3. Notice use of significant amounts of jargon. Find out what kind of computer/system they use; PS3, XBox, Wii, or PC. It would help if you knew they used a Mac–because then chances are they’re secretly recording songs on the internet to become a youtube sensation, and not to be a PvP Master.

4. If they are into the gaming scene, mention D&D. If not, mention “Magic: The Gathering”, and how nerdy you used to be in high school. Under no circumstances should you mention Pokemon and how you could name all of the original 150, or how you paid 65 dollars for a second edition hologram Charizard card. (FYI Worst Decision Ever).

5. Ask what games they like to play if they own a system other than Wii (we all know Wii players just like bowling and tennis). Rockband/Guitar Hero don’t count; should they play First Person Shooters on PS3/Xbox (Halo, GTA, etc), ask if they have ever played one on their computer.

6. Ask about their computer. If they can name their operating system, processing speed, and joke about the command use of “sudo”, you’re good to go in continuing to the next question.

7. Mention Final Fantasy or Everquest and name a couple of random facts about them. Don’t look at me for these; be original. Also, I never played them…so you’re on your own.

8. During this process it is imperative that you are continually monitoring their body language, inflection and tone of voice, and the kind of vocabulary they use. Keeping on your toes about all three will make the transition into WoW conversation much smoother, even if they’ve never played it. The more nonchalant you act about the whole thing, should they have never played before, the more open they are to playing it in the future. Compare it’s similarities to other games they’ve played, and say you’ll be right by their side if they do end up playing it. And if they have already, then more power to you and your new friend.

Whatever you do, do NOT get excited about anything. People, like sharks and their sense of smelling blood a mile away, can tell when you’re obsessive about something. If they have a level 80 main already decked out in tier 7.5 raid gear, then it’s safe to proceed.

But no? Then it would be a good idea to know who scored a terrific goal in whatever sport you don’t give the shit least about from that weekend, you fucking nerd.

chaime Uncategorized

First of all I’d like to apologize for my lack of updating. My job at the current moment is undergoing a huge project, and as the office bitch I’m subjected to doing all the work – which is fine because it means time flies but when I get home I either a) sleep or b) go out and devour pancakes with my roommate. I’m rethinking the second option only because last night I felt like someone punched me in the stomach repeatedly and then told me to go to work the next morning.

I used to keep up a blog called datingisthenewawkward.blogspot.com. It was a particularly crappy blog, like all the others I start, about how I go on bad dates. Blame it on the guys even though really I’m the reason things got weird, etc etc I want a voice on the internet too dammit so there! Turns out I’m very good at blaming others for my mistakes – at least that’s what my dad tells me and we haven’t divulged into that deep dark part of my psyche in therapy yet so let’s just keep thinking it’s my fault.

ANYWAY.

Social awkwardness is a very good friend of mine. We’re like bffs; we take showers together and practice making out with our pillows during sleepovers. I’ve known her all my life and she’s been right there with every possible situation imaginable. Except recently…she’s been a bit distant. Both of us have jobs now, she’s got a baby and I can’t stand her boyfriend. Then not two months ago, the one opportunity that we’ve always waited for presented itself – we found someone who has his own Social Awkwardness bestie too!

Ever since I started playing WoW there has exploded a plethora of new awkward situations to put me in because let’s face it, pwning face is fucking FANTASTIC. When I received a midnight phone call from my old roommate, I thought she was meth’d up again and rushed to my phone hoping she wasn’t going to scream asking for directions from an unknown park in San Francisco again (I don’t miss that). Now, I’m not one for brevity but for the sake of your attention span I ended up feeling forced into a date with a guy I didn’t want to go on a date with.

What ensued the following night was the most fucking awkward situation ever. I had just been laid off, my ex and I had been broken up for 18 hours and all I wanted to do was play WoW. Naturally, I tried talking about it but instead he interrupted so he could tell me all about his problems with women. I’m…not kidding. This kid had PROBLEMS. 23 and never had a girlfriend, former fat kid weight issues, and tried way too hard to get into my pants. When I dropped the, “Can we just be friends first?” line, he shoveled the food into his mouth as Social Awkwardness and I watched in complete disbelief.

Long story short, when I gave him a list of therapists he should see (which he asked for, thank you very much, he sent me this:

“No offence I’m not interested in taking advice from someone who plays world of Warcraft allday I feel sorry for you I don’t want you to contact me again you are very strange and you kind of creep me out!

Take care!”

Not only could this kid not spell or use punctuation, but he shot ME down for playing WoW. Mind you, after my extensive therapy sessions I know he was just trying to find a way to make none of this his fault, which is okay – but man, he cut deep.

Then last week I went on a couple dates with someone I happened to actually like, and when I was initially talking to him I asked my best friend not to mention I played WoW.

“Oops.”

Great.

What is the stigma of not wanting people to find out? And furthermore, when they do and they judge you, why do they judge you? Jim Gaffigan, one of my favorite comedians, said during one act, “No one goes around bragging they ate a whole cake. You say, ‘I just ate a whole pizza!’, and people think you’re really hungry. You say, ‘I just ate a whole cake!’, and people go, ‘I think you got a problem, buddy.” What’s the difference between being fashionable and having a shopping addiction? Or the difference between playing video games and then having dreams that one day you and Link will run away together outside of Hyrule castle to a land untouched by Ganondorff’s evil? (Don’t ask.)

It all comes down to perception. No one really knows that the reason why I initially played was because as a crazy person, I tend to fantasize my reality and live inside my head. WoW has curbed that, so now I live with all the normal, boring humans and be something completely different a few hours a week on the computer. There are some people who enjoy one thing passionately, and in truth, isn’t that something we all wish for? To like something so much we strive everyday to be better individuals at it? To those who can’t understand that, I seriously think they’re the ones who cheat on their significant others or go out every night trying to lay someone because they’re lacking something in their lives they truly love.

So fuck ‘em.

Not literally of course. Come on, who wants to fuck a crazy WoW player? They’ll probably scream out, ‘FOR THE HORDE’ in bed or something. Very awkward.

chaime Uncategorized

I know…update…I know. But I work. And occasionally go out into that big bright thingie in the whatchumacallit vast blue spacial something for some quality time with friends and alcohol. Rest assured, I’ll try to have another post up within the next 2 days.

Why yes, I am an iPhone user. How could you tell?

chaime Uncategorized